Saturday, 10 May 2014
Lesson from God's classroom
My conviction has almost always been that love should be rational.Just because someone is in love doesn't mean they should flush their brain down the toilet.And whereas that still holds true ,it dawned on me this morning that if love were rational, i would have no chance with my God.His love for me...for you...is beyond reason.Many times i assess my life and wonder"what is wrong with this God??How can He still soooooo love me like that??"and me and my left brain are totally hushed up!!We talk of cheating spouses...i cheat on God all the time idolizing all these other things and people.We talk of distance in relationships because our boyfriends/girlfriends/
Happy Mothers' Day!!
On this mothers' day eve, three years later and change, looking back i can say with confidence that indeed this far God has been faithful.
There was a time when i never thought i would smile again. When the pain in my heart was so much i honestly honestly thought i would die and inflicting physical pain hurt less. When every single morning like clockwork i would break down just before i went to work or as i took a shower, and sometimes i wouldn't even be able to make it to the office. When the USIU media centre washroom floors were my place of comfort and solace. When i would cry in a matatu not caring who would see me because i felt too crushed and distraught to care.
I now look back and cannot believe that we have made it this far. Sometimes i wonder how i got here...how we got here. Sometimes a friend who has just lost a parent will ask how i managed and at the risk of sounding like an overzealous preacher, even after offering reassurance from all my "psychology training", the one concrete absolute answer i have that has seen me through is "but for God"...indeed but for God. But for Him holding us through our all-over-the-place emotions, the endless questions, we would not have made it.
So on this day, in absentia, with balancing tears in place of the middle-of-the-night sobs, Happy Mothers' Day Mama!! I thank God for the woman that you were in this world. Happy Mothers' Day to all the mums who have been in that tireless and often thankless job for ages. To all those who are new in motherhood still trying to learn the ropes of this very great calling and wondering whether you are doing a good job...you are not called to be perfect but to love fully and truly. God will teach you the rest as you move along. To all the dads who have raised their kids practically on their own for one reason or the other...hats off to you!! To all those who were mums but for one reason or the other death robbed them of their bambino, may this day bring you comfort somehow. To all those whose kids have been lost to wrong decisions and choices in this journey of life and somewhere along the way you feel like a failure, Happy Mothers' Day is yours as well. Your prayers and tears do not go unnoticed to Him who sees and knows all and has the final say. To those struggling with guilt, shame, regret, unforgiveness, remorse, grief over your child not being in this world, Happy Mothers' Day to you too. God sees His righteousness when He looks at you...may this be the day when your chains are broken...and you are able to experience His love and forgiveness absolutely enough to offer it to yourself. To all those carrying their first child and to all of us aspiring mums, Happy Mothers' Day!! Whether your mother is here or not, take time and appreciate a mother or two. For those whom this is the first mothers day without your mother or child, do what you feel you have or need to do to get through this day. "Be strong" really is a load of bull. Take heart...it really will get better someday. Give time time.
Happy Mothers' Day!!! #Cheers!!!
There was a time when i never thought i would smile again. When the pain in my heart was so much i honestly honestly thought i would die and inflicting physical pain hurt less. When every single morning like clockwork i would break down just before i went to work or as i took a shower, and sometimes i wouldn't even be able to make it to the office. When the USIU media centre washroom floors were my place of comfort and solace. When i would cry in a matatu not caring who would see me because i felt too crushed and distraught to care.
I now look back and cannot believe that we have made it this far. Sometimes i wonder how i got here...how we got here. Sometimes a friend who has just lost a parent will ask how i managed and at the risk of sounding like an overzealous preacher, even after offering reassurance from all my "psychology training", the one concrete absolute answer i have that has seen me through is "but for God"...indeed but for God. But for Him holding us through our all-over-the-place emotions, the endless questions, we would not have made it.
So on this day, in absentia, with balancing tears in place of the middle-of-the-night sobs, Happy Mothers' Day Mama!! I thank God for the woman that you were in this world. Happy Mothers' Day to all the mums who have been in that tireless and often thankless job for ages. To all those who are new in motherhood still trying to learn the ropes of this very great calling and wondering whether you are doing a good job...you are not called to be perfect but to love fully and truly. God will teach you the rest as you move along. To all the dads who have raised their kids practically on their own for one reason or the other...hats off to you!! To all those who were mums but for one reason or the other death robbed them of their bambino, may this day bring you comfort somehow. To all those whose kids have been lost to wrong decisions and choices in this journey of life and somewhere along the way you feel like a failure, Happy Mothers' Day is yours as well. Your prayers and tears do not go unnoticed to Him who sees and knows all and has the final say. To those struggling with guilt, shame, regret, unforgiveness, remorse, grief over your child not being in this world, Happy Mothers' Day to you too. God sees His righteousness when He looks at you...may this be the day when your chains are broken...and you are able to experience His love and forgiveness absolutely enough to offer it to yourself. To all those carrying their first child and to all of us aspiring mums, Happy Mothers' Day!! Whether your mother is here or not, take time and appreciate a mother or two. For those whom this is the first mothers day without your mother or child, do what you feel you have or need to do to get through this day. "Be strong" really is a load of bull. Take heart...it really will get better someday. Give time time.
Happy Mothers' Day!!! #Cheers!!!
Friday, 14 March 2014
P.S. This is not to anyone in particular but a general post to challenge even myself:
It is ok to hurt. It is ok to be angry. It is ok to be in pain. It is ok to grieve. It is ok to feel betrayed and disappointed. You can be moody if you see it fit. It is ok to have a meltdown. It is ok to be sad, confused,whatever feeling adjective that exists that depicts a "negative" emotion.."negative" being used tongue-in-cheek here coz all feelings are legit,authentic...and yes, they are yours...if you can think it,label it..even if you can't put a word to it,it is completely ok to go through your motions and do whatever it is you need to do till the morning in your life gets here.
But when in that season,what is not ok is you lashing out at other people.it is by no means ok to be mean or hurtful or condescending or nasty or to treat people as if they don't matter or worse still like they don't exist...or like they should be the only ones who should go out of their way to understand you while you make no effort to meet them halfway...whether they have anything to do with your season..and especially if they don't even have a clue what your drama is all about. It is unfair...well the world generally is...and it is wrong...and it is selfish!!
You do what you need to do in your season...and take all the time you need too...but as you get all engrossed in whatever baggage you're dealing through, take a brief minute or two...please...and get up and out of yourself. See that the other people in your world who you expect to understand you even though they have no clue what is there to understand have their own drama which by the way they are not displacing on you. Get your proverbial head out of the sand that you are slowly but surely filling with yourself yourself and yourself and realize that you're not all that matters in this world. Maybe in that little brief minute you will realize...if you can be man or woman enough to get beyond your ego and allow God to let you see...you will realize that you are not the sun...and not everything revolves around you. That realization may hurt your soft spongy grandiose ego a little bit...but it will pass...like everything in the world does...and you can finally be free from the Guantanamo Bay you are caging yourself in. For your own sake if no one else's, do so before you make yourself dizzy from all the circles you're making around you.
This is not to discount anyone's experience because pain is subjective and absolutely personal. We may not understand it or even have a clue of what it is that is killing you deep inside. We respect it. We acknowledge it. And it is ok if you don't want to deal with it now now now. Yes, people will try to understand...and will empathize with you for sure. They will even want to help if you can allow them to. Not everyone will be patient enough though to see past your mask...and they shouldn't have to. Plus in this life, in order to qualify to join "the club of the mature", you must take responsibility for your actions regardless of the reasons behind them. Excuses, rationalizations and self-justifications are for wimps...they have their own little support group...in some bush in Mars. But wait...there are no bushes in Mars. Get the point??
For the person on the receiving end of people's masks, may God help you to know when the drama has nothing to do with you so that you can guard your heart from unnecessary and purposeless suffering. May you have the wisdom to know that sometimes what is being projected towards you is what the person feels about themselves...for we can only love others as we love ourselves right?? And even if you are at the heart of the situation and you're partly to blame, may God help you to learn to take what is helpful and what will build you...and trash the rest.
#Deuces!! #Blessedweekend
It is ok to hurt. It is ok to be angry. It is ok to be in pain. It is ok to grieve. It is ok to feel betrayed and disappointed. You can be moody if you see it fit. It is ok to have a meltdown. It is ok to be sad, confused,whatever feeling adjective that exists that depicts a "negative" emotion.."negative" being used tongue-in-cheek here coz all feelings are legit,authentic...and yes, they are yours...if you can think it,label it..even if you can't put a word to it,it is completely ok to go through your motions and do whatever it is you need to do till the morning in your life gets here.
But when in that season,what is not ok is you lashing out at other people.it is by no means ok to be mean or hurtful or condescending or nasty or to treat people as if they don't matter or worse still like they don't exist...or like they should be the only ones who should go out of their way to understand you while you make no effort to meet them halfway...whether they have anything to do with your season..and especially if they don't even have a clue what your drama is all about. It is unfair...well the world generally is...and it is wrong...and it is selfish!!
You do what you need to do in your season...and take all the time you need too...but as you get all engrossed in whatever baggage you're dealing through, take a brief minute or two...please...and get up and out of yourself. See that the other people in your world who you expect to understand you even though they have no clue what is there to understand have their own drama which by the way they are not displacing on you. Get your proverbial head out of the sand that you are slowly but surely filling with yourself yourself and yourself and realize that you're not all that matters in this world. Maybe in that little brief minute you will realize...if you can be man or woman enough to get beyond your ego and allow God to let you see...you will realize that you are not the sun...and not everything revolves around you. That realization may hurt your soft spongy grandiose ego a little bit...but it will pass...like everything in the world does...and you can finally be free from the Guantanamo Bay you are caging yourself in. For your own sake if no one else's, do so before you make yourself dizzy from all the circles you're making around you.
This is not to discount anyone's experience because pain is subjective and absolutely personal. We may not understand it or even have a clue of what it is that is killing you deep inside. We respect it. We acknowledge it. And it is ok if you don't want to deal with it now now now. Yes, people will try to understand...and will empathize with you for sure. They will even want to help if you can allow them to. Not everyone will be patient enough though to see past your mask...and they shouldn't have to. Plus in this life, in order to qualify to join "the club of the mature", you must take responsibility for your actions regardless of the reasons behind them. Excuses, rationalizations and self-justifications are for wimps...they have their own little support group...in some bush in Mars. But wait...there are no bushes in Mars. Get the point??
For the person on the receiving end of people's masks, may God help you to know when the drama has nothing to do with you so that you can guard your heart from unnecessary and purposeless suffering. May you have the wisdom to know that sometimes what is being projected towards you is what the person feels about themselves...for we can only love others as we love ourselves right?? And even if you are at the heart of the situation and you're partly to blame, may God help you to learn to take what is helpful and what will build you...and trash the rest.
#Deuces!! #Blessedweekend
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